I was not taught how to express my feelings as a young child. Instead, I was punished for crying, for throwing tantrums and for simply being myself. Because I wasn’t being understood and I did not understand. As a result, I grew up being conditioned to withhold my emotions and my needs. Thus, over time, layers of trauma and pain were formed.

It wasn’t until years later when I was on the brink of my inner death, that I realized, in order for me to overcome the pain I had carried for so long, was to embrace it. For me to show it love and to accept it entirely. To peel back the layers with tenderness and care.

We grow up in a world that shames us if we are too much of this or too much of that. It is something I am all too familiar with. Out in the world, I survived the majority of my early years by people pleasing, staying quiet and distancing myself.

When the burning ache of the need to grow overcame my fear of others’ opinions, I had to relearn what it meant to express myself. I had to give myself the freedom of expression. My decision marked the beginning of my practice toward a better self, the best version I could be proud of to be. It is a practice of constant pivoting, retraining and creating new patterns. I always say it is a simple choice, but it is never easy. This practice requires discipline and discomfort.

Today, I am no longer afraid to speak up on how I feel, how I think and how I wish to live my life. For the life that I live is entirely mine and no one else’s. I am no longer afraid to express how I love, how I hurt and how I fear. Being truly vulnerable means you are putting yourself at risk of undesired consequences and rejections. But the key to vulnerability is being willing to accept those consequences and rejections as they come. And the beauty of vulnerability is that you bring into your life only what aligns with you.

As humans, we all desire to be seen, to be heard and to be loved. The core human desire is for a connection with another. And true connection cannot happen without true vulnerability.

However you choose to lead your life, I hope that you will welcome more vulnerability.

Do you think about death?

I did and still do. The thoughts come in fleeting moments when I’m in my own utter presence and in heavy moments in which I’m facing the fragility of my humanness and the external physical world’s circumstances.

I used to be very fearful of the idea of death and the potential ways one may die. Will it hurt? What is the experience like? Is it like going to sleep and just never waking up? Where does the consciousness and subconsciousness go? It is the one experience in life that you’d be hard-pressed to find any documentations on to contemplate if death is for you or to compare reviews to decide what type of death you wish to experience.

Just as there is birth, there must be death. To complete the cycle of life.

My philosophy on life is rooted in the First Law of Energy. That energy can neither be created nor destroyed. When I came to the realization that we as human beings are eternal energetic beings or infinite souls, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief.

Even if our physical bodies have reached their time limits, our subconscious and souls are not physical matter, but forms of energy. And just like a volt of electricity, it must be transferred and transformed from one form to another. This thought lead me to thinking about reincarnation and the idea of past lives.

I don’t know about you, but reincarnation and past lives completely make sense to me. Every human being born into this world has their own purpose to fulfill in their current lifetimes and to live out their karmic journey before moving onto another. 

As I deepen my spirituality and learn about the vastness of this universe, I become less and less fearful of death. For it will not stop me from living and experiencing what my soul is meant to. Death is simply an ending to a beginning and beginning to an ending.

What does death mean to you?